Joyce Huang asked me last night what it really means to be jaded. This has got to be one of those hackneyed words thrown around carelessly by tired people, most of whom have probably never given the word its due consideration. I am guilty of that. So, I gave the first answer that came to mind. “For me, it means I’ve stopped believing in things. ‘Cos I’ve seen some bad stuff.”
That’s true, though. It’s one of those few times I’m grateful for to be able to come up with a prompt and sensible reply. (Not too witty.)
I can’t remember when it was that I stopped floating around on the happy clouds, proclaiming “life is beautiful!” (Eww.) But yes, the owner of this depressing blog was once upon a time an optimist. I can’t remember when it was that I stopped believing in myself and what I can achieve. Truth is, I’m scared to death of facing my life of mediocrity. God only knows when my laughter stopped reaching my eyes (I can actually feel it not reaching my eyes, I swear) and warming my heart. And please don’t forget I’m barely 21. I feel crippled and old in my heart.
I don’t have the energy to be around cheerful young girls who still skip merrily around with their shiny bright faces and high voices. In Tong’s words, they’ll jump in and say “Yay! We’re playing poker!” with their cards still left unturned. For us, we’ll take a peek at the cards and say “What the fuck” with, you know, that ennui voice (for lack of a better adjective). And so, yeah, we wait until Life comes around and gives them a slap across the face, spectacularly.
We’re all so care-worn. When we meet, we never talk about happy stuff anymore. We laugh about things, make cynical quasi-sophisticated jokes, but we’re not bright and shiny and wide-eyed anymore. When we talk, we discuss about internships and careers and dysfunctional relationships. We talk about marriage with the passion of a 60-year-old spinster/bachelor; a pragmatic and meaningless stage in life rather than a blessed union of two whatever. It’s just that we are so very afraid of loneliness.
Do you still believe in marriage? I don’t know. I don’t wanna think about it because I don’t wanna see so clearly the person I’ve become. What the fuck, Life? I hate you.