i am not emo! (today)

Religion is man-made right? But I’ve always considered myself to be spiritual. The difference is that I believe in a God without all the fluff established religions try to force on us. And anyway Buddhism is more of a philosophy.

Recently though, I’ve experienced some sort of a religious/spiritual crisis. And now, I’ve become an agnostic atheist. Yes, in answer to that passage from Angels and Demons, I do believe we just picked the right card out of an infinite deck. And I do not think we are destroying our self-worth as human beings by believing ourselves to be a cosmic accident. By the way, I’ve always found the passage a powerful argument for people from the religious camp:

“Show me proof there is a God, you say. I say use your telescopes to look to the heavens, and tell me how there could not be a God! You ask what does God look like. I say, where did that question come from? The answers are one and the same. Do you not see God in your science? How can you miss Him! You proclaim that even the slightest change in the force of gravity or the weight of an atom would have rendered our universe a lifeless mist rather that our magnificent sea of heavenly bodies, and yet you fail to see God’s hand in this? Is it really so much easier to believe that we simply chose the right card from a deck of billions? Have we become so spiritually bankrupt that we would rather believe in a mathematical impossibility than in a power greater than us?”
-Dan Brown

I don’t know about mathematical impossibilities but I believe it makes more sense that the all the complexities of the world came about from the multiplication (or whatever) of all the possible permutations, no? I find it hard to believe a supreme being, no matter how powerful, can be painstakingly synchronizing all our little whims and fancies, making them to fit in this huge abstract design we call predestination. In short, I believe everything that happens happens by chance.

And I’ve never believed in the afterlife or anything that remotely suggests we are anything other than void after our deaths. No souls, nothing. Pardon me, but I think that’s a kind of mental insurance for the weak. Why are we so afraid to be nothing when we’re dead? Cos we don’t want regrets. Afterlife is always something to fall back on; in our afterlife, we can repent. 

I hate thinking about these stuff. It makes me wanna stop studying. Then I’ll be spending a few hours fighting with myself about schoolwork. Like, what’s the point? I might as well go eat and get fat and make myself happy because when I’m gone, none of this will matter. But of course, it still matters. It matters the next few decades I’m here whether I’ll be reaping the fruits of my academic labor or suffering in my mental tussle. 

For my own reference (later), collective referrals to me being part of a great human entity always disturb me. Like the ending in The Starlight Crystal, my second most favourite fiction, how Paige Christian became part of “the Creation”. I remember how Pike described it as like a wave rising in the ocean. For that moment, it appears to be separate, but always it is part of the ocean. I suppose that’s how humanity looks from an external perspective but it disturbs me like mad. I am separate. I am individual! Always! So I was struggling to explain to Tong that day how it doesn’t matter that all our pursuits look absurd to an external observer, as long as we’re happy. Because soon we’ll be nothing and we won’t feel or think anything. What matters is the period we’re actually feeling something. So to heck with all the rest. Absurdism doesn’t bother me. I know our existence is pointless. As long as I’m happy, my existence can be pointless for all I care. But I’m still depressed. So… I’m gonna pretend to be happy. Lalala.

P.S. The writing’s a complete mess because I’m just trying to get everything out of my head into writing before I forget anything. And it’s too abstract. I’ve got enough mindfuck thinking about my complicated interactive story all week.

Oh right, I think getting over someone is more a matter of wanting to let go? I think I still don’t want to because I’m so stubborn but it’s ok. I’ll take my time. Mostly, it’s the idea of the person I don’t wanna let go of because I know it’s not the person anymore. Yuck.

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One response to “i am not emo! (today)

  1. Pingback: theists, beware « V

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