You never see this coming. Nobody does.
Then you look back and wonder what happened between the time you were a blithely carefree kid who laughed and played to… this. Cynical, depressed and stoic. Broken dreams and chronic discontentment.
Well, newsflash: Growing Up happened.
God, can I kill myself? I’m so tired. My brain is almost unceasingly working on overdrive. I don’t know why the meaning of life is so important to me. I don’t know what I want. And even if I did, I am incompetent. And You don’t wanna reveal Yourself to me.
Somewhere along the line growing up, it must have become clear that my capability for those nonsensically big dreams is wanting. So don’t make me hunger for it with incomplete aptitude and brutal self-awareness. I might regret later but right now, I’d rather be oblivious and content with my life. Cos right now, I’m just a confused mess of a drifter, with conflicted half-formed thoughts and desires and an epic identity crisis, trying hard to get on with Life. Ugh.
But I still want the Truth.
And I want to Believe. Even though I’m faced with such logical stumbling blocks to the validity of my faith, like this, and I cannot hear You. I know in Chris’s words, I should know better than to manipulate You. You know me better than I do myself, and You know the right time and the How and Why.
If You are around, You alone know my heart and the way to win it. And I want you to, because You might be my only lifeline, before I lose myself in this meaningless existence. Amen.
P.S. Joshua, think you’ll love the link.