because You didn’t answer ):

You never see this coming. Nobody does.

Then you look back and wonder what happened between the time you were a blithely carefree kid who laughed and played to… this. Cynical, depressed and stoic. Broken dreams and chronic discontentment.

Well, newsflash: Growing Up happened.


God, can I kill myself? I’m so tired. My brain is almost unceasingly working on overdrive. I don’t know why the meaning of life is so important to me. I don’t know what I want. And even if I did, I am incompetent. And You don’t wanna reveal Yourself to me.

Somewhere along the line growing up, it must have become clear that my capability for those nonsensically big dreams is wanting. So don’t make me hunger for it with incomplete aptitude and brutal self-awareness. I might regret later but right now, I’d rather be oblivious and content with my life. Cos right now, I’m just a confused mess of a drifter, with conflicted half-formed thoughts and desires and an epic identity crisis, trying hard to get on with Life. Ugh. 

But I still want the Truth.

And I want to Believe. Even though I’m faced with such logical stumbling blocks to the validity of my faith, like this, and I cannot hear You. I know in Chris’s words, I should know better than to manipulate You. You know me better than I do myself, and You know the right time and the How and Why. 

If You are around, You alone know my heart and the way to win it. And I want you to, because You might be my only lifeline, before I lose myself in this meaningless existence. Amen.


P.S. Joshua, think you’ll love the link.


4 responses to “because You didn’t answer ):

  1. :) I love the link.

    Sartre would tell you that your feeling of angst lies in the fundamental loneliness and despair of existence. (My solution to that is ‘love’ to which there is not enough space here to talk about..) Nietzche’s solution, would be to embrace that as the greatest pleasure given. That life is in itself worth living, in all its pain that it provides.

    We should really find sometime to chat. Its too much to type here. We should do the bohemian thing with a cigarette in our hands.

  2. ok i agree with Nietzche. think i should get Camus’ take on this too. ): were you the one who told me we’re all misled into thinking Nietzche was a nihilist?

    yes man haha ill suggest sth better…shisha! no wonder the moroccans smile too much

  3. Nod nod I think i said that about Nietzche :)

    Btw, I just read a whole load of articles about why Scientology is evil and stuff and i was wondering why no one bothers to do the same research on more ‘established’ religions.

    that aside, i havent shisha since i was in the army! Sounds fun. Catch me before the 29th of june or i will be gone for reservist for 2 weeks after that!

  4. wah wah wah!!! brillaint!!!

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