Maybe deep down, I still cannot overcome this barrier because religion challenges the way I perceive my intellect. Maybe I should list them down. Theism (specifically Christian theology) challenges:
1. my intellect
2. my understanding of the world
3. my perception of enlightenment and the enlightened
4. it forces me to relinquish my control over the world I know (this is a huge barrier)
5. my socialization
6. the sum of all these is that religion will change me and this either scares me or disconcerts me because I assert my identity very strongly. But of course, I still cannot define myself so I can’t say how it will alter my identity. At the very least, it will alter my manifest identity and that’s disturbing enough.
I think broadly, I have no problem grappling with the supernatural. At least, in the way I’ve been brought up to believe. But I’m skeptical of the Christian supernatural. I cannot agree with how Christianity slanders the ‘God’ I’ve known in my childhood even though I have, for many years, been convicted that Buddhism is agnostic. Buddhist philosophy is close to my heart but I will not worship the idols associated with it because I have convinced myself, with sufficient evidence, that those rituals are man-made. Though since my childhood, I have gone through the motions to indulge my parents.
Now Christianity comes in with the view that the origins of other religions are demonic in nature. Even though they do not dispute the virtue of other religions, it makes me wonder where Buddha stands in this framework. If I understand correctly, Eve, tempted by satan, ate from the Tree of Knowledge because she was tempted by the want of knowledge, of enlightenment. Satan fell from the grace of God because he wanted wisdom outside of God. (Could it be?) I won’t dispute that our God is a loving one. But could it be, if I were to draw an analogy, could it be that God in this example, is a loving parent, overprotective and bent on smoldering His child within the confines of His embrace and His wisdom alone? Although this is not necessarily bad or ill-intentioned, is it wrong of us to crave enlightenment outside of God? Because you see, He did give us free will.
I don’t want to be blasphemous or rebellious or satan-worshipping but…maybe I have a problem with authority. Regardless, if God is the loving Father I’ve been taught to know, I do want to love Him. But I need Him to teach me to understand how it all fits and I probably need Him to help me accept if it doesn’t fit the way I want it to fit. And God, if You grant me that wisdom and reveal Yourself to be the one true God (but first also convince me that there is really a God, oh but they’re the same in effect right? Ok.), I will commit my life to You. And well, You created me so You know how to do that. (It’s gotta be dramatic and it’s gotta blow my mind. And…it’s about time now, I hope. But take Your time. I’ll just be gnawing my fingernails with frustration right, it’s fine, and bulldozing my brain.)