hell is other people.

I don’t need to know that God loves me. I just need to know he’s there.

Because if he is, then it is not in vain that I live. It is not in vain that I suffer, it is not in vain that I grow, it is not in vain that I do. Yep, mostly that it is not in vain I live.

Satre’s afterlife scares me (as in No Exit). It’s darkly seductive, but unavailingly depressing. If I were convinced of his brand of hell, I might as well kill myself now. Actually no. But it’s inevitable. Oblivion is by far a happier ending.

On that note, why is there something about existentialist/nihilistic/absurdist philosophies that proves so.. irresistible to people? Disillusionment, maybe? That we’re just so disappointed and purposeless we’d much rather believe there is no order, no meaning, no real truth. Because otherwise, we’d have to contend with why we persist in eluding it.

I don’t want this ‘reality’ either. There just doesn’t seem to be any long term escape from it, oh other than the obvious one with the uncertain ending, but anyway, mentally I’m not at that stage yet. I’m just tired. And miserable. But what sort of choice is there? It’s the devil I know, and the one I don’t. I’m not a risk-taker. Better the devil I know.

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