identity crisis.

Books I’ve finished so far this year:

Unleashing the Ideavirus by Seth Godin
The Power of Six Sigma by Subir Chowdhury
Sati by Christopher Pike
The Great Divorce by CS Lewis
A Grief Observed by CS Lewis

I read really slowly, but cramming in some reading on the train commute every morning has helped tremendously. Especially since all I do after work is watch sitcoms.

Sighs. I miss being in the whole…dynamism of attending lectures, reading papers, writing papers, discussions, rushing for deadlines, crazy project meetings etc. I feel mediocre and uneducated. There’s just this raw glamour about being an “undergrad” as opposed to being a “graduate” and “working”. I hate telling people I’m working! It’s like I’ve never been in school before. I want to say, “I’m working. BUT I’VE GONE TO SCHOOL BEFORE!!!” I’ve resorted to saying, “Just graduated…(mumbles) working now.” But I con’t continue saying that, like, 5 years down the road. Help! My time is running out! And I’m holding on to an identity that’s slipping from my grasp. I don’t know who to be anymore!

When I tell people I’m 24 this year, I wanna add that I’m young! I don’t feel any different from a 19 year old college undergrad. Please believe me. Except, it’s true that I’m different because I was really immature at 19. Positively crazy and embarrassing. But I COULD be no different. What if I’m just a more mature (in thoughts!) version of my 19 year old college undergrad self? You know what I mean? 24 year old is just a mistaken tag for me. It connotes things that are completely incongruous with the person I feel I am. And it’s not fair. There are people who always wanted to be done with school. I never wanted to be working. I loved being a student!

Of course, I know this is all futile and childish. But I guess I just have a lot of identity negotiation and finding myself to do before I learn to age gracefully.

And I think this sudden outburst might have something to do with the fact that I’m beginning to claim more ownership of my job. In the past weeks, I’ve been coming to terms with the fact that this job is real. I’m REALLY working; it’s not some internship or vacation job. I know I have a problem with attention. My eyes never stop darting around, looking for the next thing I could be doing. It’s the way I shop, too. And for the past months, I’ve been looking at my job as a “transition” while I decide what to do with my life. And at some level, that is true. I do have leeway to decide what it is I want to pursue. But I wonder if I’ve been pushing away commitment to my job because I’m afraid to settle into this whole business of working.

Sometimes, I think I really do like advertising. The field fascinates me. But grounding myself into this and really pouring my heart and soul into it would mean that I’m REALLY IN THIS BUSINESS. I think that scares me on a subconscious level. But then, I’d never achieve excellence this way.

So, 24 or not, I resolve to start taking work seriously even if I’m still sorting out personal issues.

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