_

A strange thing happened.

It’s Friday the 13th today. Not that I’m superstitious about this. But just seems appropriate to mention.

So I had coffee at 3pm to stay awake and as a result, I was TOO awake by 7plus and had a huge craving for beer. Got it at Kok Sen with Amelia—last minute plans. And so on the bus home I was knocked out and slept through most of it. Just about at the Marymount stretch I was up but still drowsy, looking out the bus window.

Then I saw stuff coming out of an old man’s mouth—looked like white, watery foam from where I was—and he just about collapsed onto the ground from a sitting position. He was at the busstop one stop from opposite Whitley. I was still too drowsy to be fully in control of my mind and body so for some unknown reason, I whispered “oh my god”, pressed the bell (the bus was just moving off) and leapt off the bus.

I was urgently questioning the man before I became fully conscious and lucid. Raised voice, heart pounding, asking him sternly if he was all right and what happened to him.

It turned out to be a false alarm anyway. Called the police and everything only to see the old man stand up and hobble onto the next bus, leaving me, and some people at the busstop, bewildered. Lady told me he was probably drunk.

(Old man high as fuck, foaming in mouth and shit)

And so this episode has me now in some existential crisis. Like how is it this is my reaction, unconscious. And that I am completely ready, prepared, to break up. Completely ready to find myself, to throw myself in hot water and discover the stuff I’m made of. Once again, here I am. You can never plan anything in your life. And at the end of it, you always return to yourself. There is no one else who can be there for you. Just you, always waiting. And you will be anything when the time comes. A steel core, if need be, because no matter what anyone else promises you, only you can be strong for yourself, make the decision you need to make and take the step into the fire.

I feel so alone in this world. And yet, so empowered because of that.